TOP 5 THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER, EVER WEAR IF HE WANTS TO GET SOME
1. A mullet — come on, it’s thirty years now since the eighties!!
2. One of those yellow “Live Strong” bracelets — even Lance Armstrong has stopped wearing one, and he’s the one who started the trend!!
3. A mohawk — come on, it’s thirty years now since the eighties!!
4. Crocs– unless you’re a chef or surgeon who’s just getting off work, NO!!
5. ANYTHING macrame– come on, it’s forty years now since the seventies!!
Why are Greek gods considered mythical? Who decided they weren’t just as “real” as the Judeo Christian deity is/was? Is it naive or wishful thinking to believe there is one God who controls everything? If there is, He/She must have the Worst Migraine Ever at the end of the day. If He/She has a head, that is. I’ve never seen pictures of God to know what exactly He/She looks like. If there is a God, I’d like to think He has a face like Brad Pitt, the voice of Robert Plant, and the body of Ryan Lochte. With those features, He would DEFINITELY get my attention, and I’d do anything He told me to do.
eviscerated
my guts have been taken out
by my fearful mind
Top 5 Reasons Not to Hate Being Middle Aged
1. Just when you’re about to take them to the Salvation Army, you find out the clothes you hung onto from your youth are in style again
2. You don’t feel like a bad person when you hang up on telemarketers mid-sentence
3. Ladies: there is no direct correlation between your bra cup size and your self-esteem
4. Although your eyesight is not as good as it was when you were younger, you can spot a liar from a mile away
5. You realize that “power naps” are for beginners – REAL naps last for at least an hour
Power is like alcohol. A little gives you a nice buzz, a lot makes you do stupid things, and too much will poison you.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to hold the ladder, one to screw it in, and a third to write a folk song about it which rhymes bulb with vulva.
I used to be afraid of flying monkeys. Thanks to therapy, I’m happy to report that I’m halfway over that phobia. Now I’m just afraid of flying.
